This may not be the time to ponder it yet - let yourself feel what you need to feel - but I want to tell you that looking back from the viewpoint of this year, I am mystified and amazed at how my life has changed.
I felt the physical ache, like someone had pulled my heart out and driven over it. Among other things that I may or may not have done: posted some lyrics o’ heartbreak online (and then removed them shortly after) posted a note on my apartment wall with all the important dates of our relationship (including the signs of the end) because I felt like somehow that was something to hang on to and also got a little tipsy on cough syrup (unintentionally, for a legit cold!) and wrote a long, intensely emotional email to a family member who was also going through a hard time. This time last year I had just gone through a very rough break-up - not the first, but by far the worst. (Was cheering when you were added to staff!) But, I want you to know that I love reading your words on here and look forward to everything you write. Hey, Lauren - I know there are limits to how far a shout-out from a stranger will help. Is the pillow thing normal? Unearth your advice nuts. So fellow weirdos, what kinds of nonsensical post-break up behaviors have you gotten yourselves into? Especially the stuff you did after a first break up. Advice nuts like: the gut-wrenching yet encouraging Lifespan of a Lesbian Heartbreak, the brilliantly community-built Break Up Open Thread, the tremendously tasty 37 Delicious Things That Become Infinitely More Delicious After A Breakup and the ever-important Best Break-Up Advice You’ll Ever Get. I feel like a squirrel that buried nuts filled with brilliant advice and now it’s an emotional winter so I get to dig them up and eat them. This is weird and comforting all at once.
The only weird thing about this is that I read all of these things a long time ago, knowing that they would be there for me if I ever needed them, and now suddenly that time has arrived. Reread lots of things on Autostraddle Dot Com about Break-Ups By the end of the weekend I was feelings fatigued. Those last ones were purely happy feelings. Of course I thought about my feelings when the Prancing Elites pranced. Of course I thought about my feelings when Laura Jane Grace belted “if she wants to dance and drink all night, well there’s no one that can stop her.” Of course I thought about my feelings when Andrea Gibson opened her mouth to say anything. I couldn’t think about my own feelings when Against Me!, the Prancing Elites, and Andrea Gibson all rolled up in my city for three magical days of queer visibility and expression! Somehow, the very weekend after the break up, my city was descended upon by three fantastic shows all out of nowhere, as if sent expressly to distract me from thinking too much. Managed To Go To Three Large Events Containing A Great Deal Of Other People Whose Hearts Probably Didn’t Hurt As Bad as Mine, Or Maybe They Did, I Don’t Know (Lara Jane Grace via Josh Sisk for Rolling Stone, The Prancing Elites via Prancing Elites on Facebook, Andrea Gibson via Nebraska Writers on ) 9. Wow I just realized that “ex” is a new word to get used to typing.
I learned a lot of police code though! And I only listened to my ex’s city for about a minute, I promise. That was until I remembered that “busy” was bad and then I went back to my own boring city. I listened with interest to LAPD Citywide Dispatch for a while because it was so busy. Sat in my car listening to a police scanner app for an hour for no particular reason I’m telling you this primarily as self-motivation to stop. Held lengthy conversations with my pillow at night “I want to shave my head and lie in bed all day long,” is the hardest Tegan and Sara lyric not to post.Ĥ. Top of the cons list: Everyone would ask, “Did you finally do it because of the break up?”
Top of the pros list: I talk out loud so much about this already that it would feel relieving to finally do it and probably would make things less annoying for the people who have to hear my monthly loud pondering. Thought really seriously about shaving my head Before I was even dating a person for that matter. Which is really hard to do because I’ve had the Tegan and Sara lyrics I would post to Twitter after a break up picked out before Twitter was even a thing. Resisted the urge to post Tegan and Sara lyrics to my Twitter
LGBTQ Television Guide: What To Watch Now.